Sunday, March 3, 2013

It Isn't Supposed To Be Like This??

I'm a newlywed and according to Southern tradition, I married "late in life." At age 31! I know, it's not old, but when you're raised in the South everyone assumes that you'll be married at the ripe old age of 21 and be done with babies by 30. Not sure why it's that way, but it is.

Nothing in life has turned out the way I planned it to be- nothing. I had it all planned out: go to college, meet my husband at the BCM, be married by the time we finish grad school, have a family- all by age 30. I went to college, met wonderful guys at the BCM (none of who were my husband) earned a bachelor's degree, had my master's degree at 22 (2 weeks from turning 23), moved 200 miles away from home, went on bad date after bad blind date and didn't meet my husband until I was 30 and we met on match.com! God had other plans and looking back I wouldn't change a thing. I learned so much in single years and really began to embrace God's best for me.

Now is no different- well, I'm trying to embrace God's best for me and His plans. Key word: trying. At my follow up appointment for my surgery, the reality of infertility became real. After it all sunk in (and it still is sinking in), I kept thinking : "It isn't supposed to be this way." Part of me was angry because I felt like i had done everything right: waited for God to bring me my husband, honored Him in our relationship and in our marriage, so why shouldn't having a baby be easy? My amazing hubby said something recently about our lives and our faith. He said "I don't want easy. I want to honor God. I want His will to be done." Yikes. Tough words to swallow but so true.

I was able to share with our life group last week about our infertility. It wasn't easy but I felt like the best thing I needed was for people to pray for us. I could barely get the words out, but i did. I said that the utmost thing I wanted was for God to be glorified in this. I'm not sure why He's chosen us to walk this road, but i want to walk it well. It's hard. It's not pretty, it hurts like crazy and it makes no sense to me. But I do know this (and I have to keep reminding myself of it a lot!) that God is a good God and He is sovereign. He's in control, I'm not. I had coffee today with a friend from church who experienced infertility before having her little boy- it was so good to be able to talk with someone who's been there- to remind me I'm not nuts. She gently spoke truth that I needed to hear, reminding me that God has not forsaken me.

It isn't supposed to be like this, but it is...and God is bigger than my infertility and my dreams. He is bigger.

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